What books are like yours?

You'd be amazed at how often I get asked this question. Not least because I only have one fiction book out, and one in edit, so there's not that many people running around being all interested and stuff.

First of all, if there was another book like mine, why do you think I would've bothered? Eh? I'm only gonna write down the stories that coalesce inside my head if they don't already exist somewhere. If they already existed, I would just read them.

Second of all, why on earth would I be reading a book I would write? Please refer to Groucho Marx on this one. I have my favourite authors in my favourite genres for a reason, and it's not so I can read what I'm writing.

Third of all, how much time do you think I have? My reading list still has books on it that I consider must-read from 2009. I am not a miracle worker. I have to fit in work, writing, playing video games, staring into space, staring at the floor, trying to avoid chores, and all that is before I sit down to watch countless hours of television.

There's only 24 hours in a day, you know, and a girl's gotta sleep sometime.

Fourth - oh yeah, I've got more, this is a proper rant - I don't know what my book is like to read by someone who hasn't been struggling for the last year to pull together some random plot points, work out the characters required to move things along, write out a couple thousand lines of dialogue that I would never say aloud in a million years myself, and painstakingly write out at least fifty thousand words that I'm promptly going to send to the great recycle bin in the sky. Or "the cloud" as it's become known.

I can't read my own books as though I was a reader. There's far more wincing and sniggering involved than that.

And how dare you ask what books are coming out this year which would be in competition with mine?

?????????????

That was me being speechless in rage and frustration at your inability to work out that I have an inability to see into the future. I'm not travelling around the country with the local freak-show people - I work in insurance. Insurance. The whole industry is built on not being able to predict the future. If I could see what was coming I would at the very least be playing around on the stock market and making me some money.

Sheesh!

Rant over and I hope everyone has a lovely Sunday tomorrow. If you feel in the mood for a spot of light reading perhaps you might consider putting in a pre-order for a book that's like the Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold without the mention of heaven (me being an atheist and all), crossed with Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher, but more contemporary-like on account of its coming out in 2015.

2015. There you go - I just predicted the future.