Monday, 22 December 2014

Not Food

'Tis the season to eat too much food... (fa la la la lah la la la lah)

Knowing that Christmas Day is likely to consist of a wall of non-stop food, and a breakfast sliding into brunch into lunch into afternoon tea into tea into supper into unconsciousness kind of meal plan, I thought it best to exercise some restraint today to offset it.

That's exercise some restraint, not "exercise" - I haven't changed my opinions on that one.

Since not eating wasn't really in the spirit of being at home alone on holiday, I instead tried another tactic. Eating something I like to refer to as 'not food.'

Not food consists of diet soft drink - Coke Zero and don't look at me like that, it's okay as long as I'm not in the office. Yes I did just make up that rule, someone's got to.

It also consists of a substance that someone in a marketing department somewhere decided as a laugh to call diet pasta when what they really meant was tasteless plastic consistency not-food that smells unpleasantly of fish. Or Konjac as others would call it. Another name for the plant from whence it came is devil's tongue. That is most appropriate.

But in any case, woman cannot live on insoluable root fibre alone. She needs ice-cream.

In the quest for the perfect diet food of course, I couldn't actually indulge in the dreaded full-fat full-sugar nicety that is ice-cream. I considered eating some Zilch low-fat no-added-sugar ice-cream, but decided that even that was not an appropriate substitute. Mainly because I'd already eaten the container that I'd purchased in the weekend for emergencies only.

You'd be surprised how many emergencies there are in suburban Christchuch. It's full on.

Luckily I had laid my hands on a machine that promised to deliver a product akin to soft serve ice-cream through the simple provision of a couple of frozen bananas.

Much to my darling's disgust I do still believe in the infomercial fairies and their product boxes. The last time I had a gift card in my possession I almost purchased a chocolate fountain. Luckily common sense prevailed, and after returning the doughnut maker to the shelf as well, I picked up a great invention called a Yonana.

Having only briefly scanned the product information before the consumer that lives in my soul screamed BUY IT! I had a vague idea that I was going to end up with something that turned frozen bananas and yoghurt into ice-cream-like stuff.

Turns out the Yo from the title was more in the fashion of a Yo Mama! type of expression, and no dairy goodness was required at all. Just the bananas.

Does anybody out there in internet-land want to hazard a guess as to what frozen bananas taste like? I'll give you a tiny clue. It's not soft-serve ice-cream.

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